Success and Fragility

I have a job for next year, and it’s one I – sort of – interviewed for, but it’s also not one I got. I know that’s confusing, but it’s only half my story. I interviewed for a permanent job, I did not get it, but was later offered the job as a 12-month fixed-term position. Given my current contract ends soon, and as much as I would really deeply love to stay where I am, it meant that when I was offered a job that meant I would be less uncertain about the coming year I took it. 


But it comes with a really weird sense of not being wanted. I feel very much like my current department doesn’t want me, and I feel very much like the department I am moving to doesn’t want me either. I did not get that phone call, where the person on the end of the phone says ‘You are great and we want you to come and work with us!’. Instead, I just feel like there has only been rejection. 


I guess the point of this is, sometimes success in academia also feels like rejection. It is everywhere. It is pervasive. It infects. And that’s hard for someone who has rejection sensitive dysphoria to deal with.
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And yet. Here I am.